My name is Stephen Michael Kuhn.
Born in Long Beach, California in November, 1962 – then raised in Detroit. Attended public school until year four, then a private parochial school until year 9 – where I began another private parochial school – but began to “unravel” from year 9 and onwards through year 10. My journey has been about rebelling, isolating, following my “broken ego” assisted by drugs and alcohol and a desire to “do it my way”…which has been a hard and winding broken road – psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and physically…constantly running away from ghosts and shadows and nightmares – only to either find – or create – more.
This path led me through ups and downs – mostly downs…through a series of relationships that were dysfunctional at best, constantly seeking and grasping and clinging to the vapours of dreams that were not meant to be. Loneliness, solitude, isolation and alienation were my “riches” – and alcohol was my constant friend – a friend that was truly my tormentor, my punisher, my delusional shelter, my escape into what I thought was an altered and comfortable reality, but was really a cold and living hell.
For many years, my spirituality consisted of me blaming “God” for everything – for punishing me, for tormenting me, for giving me the short end. I was bereft of any real spiritual spark – cold, dying, crumbling from within…no hope, no light, no truth, no real sense of identity, no real solidity – as if I was merely a ghost drifting through reality being blown about by the whims of “God”…
I am grateful and thankful I was wrong.
I am also vehemently apologetic to “God” – or “The Universe” – as all the blame I heaped upon everything and everyone else – was truly meant to be aimed at myself. I am responsible for my actions/reactions, my choices, my “perspectives” – me, and only me. I’m grateful for the liberation and freedom that I have gained through this simple realisation.
I have been given a life. Merely that. What I make of that life is my choice, my decision. It is up to me to decide to make this a good life, or a bad life. I am grateful that I have been shown that it IS up to me – that I am the architect of my own design. Ergo, I do my absolute best to make the right decisions, and then make the next right decisions. I am grateful and thankful to “God” for that. It is by grace that I live now. It is by grace that I shall complete this journey – as best as I can – and with no regrets.
My life changed completely on March 15, 2014. I was given a new “lease on life”, and given the opportunity to spend 11 months in the William Booth House rehabilitation centre – operated by the Salvation Army, utilising the “Bridge Program” – an A.A. inspired program making full use of the 12 steps along with many different facets of basic psychology pertaining to “self” and to family systems/dynamics, personal development, “soul searching” – and more. I am ever grateful for that.
In April and May of 2016, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I’ve actually had it for more than 20 years according to the symptoms and data, but simply disregarded the symptoms as “side effects” of my excessive drinking. Ah. The “broken ego”. What lovely lies it tells. For me this is a new challenge; and one that I take on gratefully. I have the tools to make use of this experience and share it – give it. Those same tools allow me to also be a “victor” and not a “victim” throughout this bit of the journey. “Carpe diem”.
How I approach life and how I live it is according to ME. The frameworks and doctrines that I previously lived by have been discarded and disassembled. That is how I found myself. The illusion/delusion had to be destroyed so that I could actually perceive who I really am. I speak and write from my heart – what flows, flows. There are no apologies to be given for anything I say or write – nothing is meant to be offending or offensive – so if it’s taken in that context, please examine your own self and test your own values prior to any dialog aimed at attack or retort.
I shan’t endeavour to colour in my entire life on this particular page – as I shall slowly and surely illustrate the bits of my journey throughout the entries and posts. There is no rush, nor a need to rush. No time frame, no deadline. I’d even prefer if there was no real beginning – as there IS no real end…it’s all ebbs and flows and spirals…infinite…as is the Universe – as is “God”.
Due to a particularly strong experience, I have come to understand that there never was a beginning, never was (or will be) an end. This gives me tremendous hope and drive – coupled with the infinite protection and guidance of “God”, the infinite love, compassion, grace, acceptance, forgiveness, warmth, strength, knowledge and wisdom that “God” allows for me (and all of us)…there isn’t anything that is not possible…the constraint is merely in my own mind – my fears…which are, obviously – illusions. Stepping “outside of the box” – disassembling the “frameworks of reference and understanding” – breaking down the “prison of thought” – have helped to give me a completely new view of this “reality” and “The Universe”; being able to question and adapt what I believe to be “real” – has freed me, and allowed me to connect not only with my real “self” and “identity”, but also with all that surrounds me.
Thank you for YOU. Thank you for being here. If you wish a question, please ask. I shall answer. My life, oddly enough, is an open book – unlike the life I lived previously. If you can gain something from my journey, then I have done my duty in this life, and I am grateful for that. If that can be shared and spread out further, then I am blessed even more. And I shall thank “God” all the more.
Peace and blessings.